Adnan on mothers, emotions, crime and....

Adnan and I cover some territory that I had suspected.  Yes, Arab boys ADORE their mothers, more so than their fathers.  Not that they don’t love the father, but mother gets a special attachment.  The role of the mother (UAE) is exclusively to mold her boys into men.  He had a word he was searching for.  The words mother, rock, inscribe were floating around and I think what he was getting at was that like a sculptor, the mother forms her boys out of rock by chiseling them into existence.  Mothers and sisters don’t work, unless they want to.  The mother creates the new generation.  She respects the children and listens to her children closely.  Families look out for each other and assisted living arrangements for ailing parents are only if needed medically.   

Adnan, unlike most that I’ve talked to was in Saudi Arabia for three years, in medina.  He had a a very favorable view so perhaps they connect well with each other.  He found them easy to connect to.

Are Arabs emotional?  YESSSSS!  In fact, he finds, say, folks from Argentina easier to connect to.  They seemed to him to be just regular folk.  I’m not sure who exactly he was talking about but I will guess that just the average Saudi citizen.  Americans, British, not so easy – not so emotional.  It was clear that hanging out and bonding over a meal was very important.  You talk, you eat, you smile.  I would have expected all of this.   Connecting has a connotation of what the Saudi thinks, what he wants.  Curse him, ok.  He can shrug this off.  Curse his family and you have a fight!  “I don’t care about me, but my family is worth fighting for.” 

I mention that Saudi’s have a reputation of going to Morocco to drink and fuck.  He agrees that Morocco would be such a place, along with Thailand (though some go there for medical reasons.) 

I had the notion that Dubai was also on this list, Tahir certainly seems to think so.  Not Adnan who is in police work along with his brother and father.  He is unhappy with sex trade and prostitution but it is a hard crime to tackle. Nonetheless, he feels crime is under control in Dubai.  Yes, many girls come to Dubai along with many cultures, but there are many surveillance cameras.  Adnan thinks Dubai is an amazing city. 

Do Arab men see each other without clothes at the gym? Or in the shower stalls?  NEVER. They like privacy. 

UAE in the economic downturn poured money into the economy and he thinks this worked. 

He hears his father call him to prayer so we end the conversation.  He shows me a clock.  Who made this?  GOD made this! 

We talked for an hour and he was very animated in his delivery as before.  Adnan is full of youthful vigor and very social.

Ramadan begins June 29, 2014

A bit of Ramadan talk.  Both Adnan and Tahir are in love with Ramadan.  For Adnan, he calls it a holiday for the stomach and underscores it’s health benefit.  Tahir tells me that  during Ramadan, all of your activities are considered to be prayers and Allah returns the favor with 10,000 blessings per each and every activity.  It’s a big deal. 

Tahir tells me that normally there are seven layers between humans and Allah. Not so during Ramadan where there seems to be some sort of direct contact.  I'll assume this means that he is in direct contact with Allah and Allah hears him along with the other 1.3 billion Muslims.

The local FedEx in Brooklyn here, in the Arabic area have signs wishing customers a happy Ramadan, selling what looks like after hours sweets. 

It began on Sunday, June 29^th, 2014.  The FedEx fellas told me a few days before it began that they were not entirely sure of the start date.  New technology is involved to accurately tell Muslims around the world of the actual start date.  I’m not sure exactly what the issue is. 

Oddly, the same day as the New York City Gay and Lesbian Pride March.  Later that day I read in some Muslim advice web site of some poor Muslim who is deeply depressed at his homosexuality and the guidance of others, while sympathetic to his depression, had little to offer beyond God has given this to you so suck it up.

Tahir feels sorry for me...

“Our life, this is the big movie, Allah is the writer, producer, director…  it is a perfect system and the angels run the system.  All is in control of Allah.  Use your brain!  Everything is proof of God’s existence.  Nature is the proof of God.  The value of the universe is a very big thing for us.  Don’t look for scientific proof or formulas. Look to your body…” 

I'm not entirely what he means by look to your body.  I suspect it means that the miracle of the body could ONLY be a creation of God.  We cannot create this amazing biosphere.

“When you want to buy the best item, you look to the newest model.  Islam is the newest and final model.  Christianity is the old model.” 

I know Tahir is a very sincere in his desire that I convert to Islam.  At one point he asked me if anything he had said to me had any effect on me.   It hasn’t made me want to be a Muslim but it has definitely made an impression on me.  I had been feeling guilty about this because I am not a good candidate for this religion.  I truly wanted to please him for his effort.  I begin to approach the discussion telling him that his words have had an effect on me and that I see Islam in a different light.  I see good things in it.  But my own childhood was that of being raised as a Catholic.  And this is similar to Shia Muslims.  I was raised in a God environment.  I am not a good candidate to become Muslim because I never really felt that presence of God.  I don’t want to disappoint him. 

Tahir: "Oh, I'm not disappointed.  I feels sorry for you."

I didn’t see this coming.  Tahir was not being condescending, he was being sincere.

Adnan, UAE, 25 year old...

Adnan is a handsome and adorable 25 year old living in Dubai.  He is a UAE citizen and lives with his 6 brothers and 4 sisters, mother and father.  There may be more here but I’m not sure.  What is clear is that Adnan loves his big family, never wants to leave, and wants his own big family.  He always has someone to talk to and to reach out to when he needs help.  When his dad calls him at work where he may be working late to see how he is and to encourage him to come home because he needs his rest, he loves this.  True, he doesn’t need this, but he knows his dad loves him and he loves this feeling.  It is all very warm.  His mother and sister, I believe, will be shopping soon for his bride and both parties sort of vet each other’s family to see if it is a good match.  Of course, he and the bride have to agree to the match. 

His mother is getting ready for a third surgery, in Korea.  All medical expenses are paid by the government (as are all education expenses).  He is saddened by this and she is having a hard time with cancer. 

He has a job with police enforcement, so he meets all kinds of people. 

Adnan was surprised that I was aware of Ramadan but I told him I talk to Muslims.  He called it a stomach holiday and that this was good for your health. 

We discuss how hot it is in Dubai, MUCH hotter than in most of the USA so therefore he shaves his armpits and pubic hairs.  We have this conversation without the bat of an eyelash.  His English is just enough so I had to mime shaving and point to the areas I was talking about.

I noted my own hip surgery and he did grasp the meaning, but most likely NOT the specific surgery I'm undergoing.

Adnan is accepting that I am gay but curious.  He asks why am I gay?  I ask why are you straight?  He laughs and tells me I am clever. 

We get to some dicey stuff: 

Tom: So what do you think about me being am gay (it is in my ad).

Adnan: No problem.

Tom: So what do they do to gay people there.

Adnan: We kill them.

Tom: If your brother told in secretly that he was gay, what would you do?

Adnan: I'd kill him...

Tom: Why?

Adnan: Because he would bring shame upon my family and hurt my family.  No would want to marry me, people on the street would look down on us. You can break some rules, but this is a BIG rule.  This would break family tradition and religion.

Tom: Well, if I were sitting in your room right now, as an American and I told you I was gay, what would you feel?

Adnan: Oh, that's OK. Not a problem. Because in your culture it is OK. Just not ours. Like the Chinese eat dog, but I would never eat dog.

Tom: I see.... well what if your brother told you as a secret just between you and him that he was gay?

Adnan: This could never happen.

Somewhere I had told him of two guys in the US married to each other who had adopted 4 foster kids.  He found this to be admirable.

Adnan talked a bit about having too much freedom and that this is not good for you.  There have to be rules and there needs to be a system.  This may remove freedom. 

I ask his a direct question: has he had sex with a woman.  When he was 18, he had sex with some foreign woman.  It felt good, but it was not comfortable.  He has not done this since and really wants to have sex with his wife.  I wondered if he had ever told this to anyone before and no, I was the first to hear this story.  I find it remarkably sweet and honest. 

He noted that married couples in the US have affairs.  It was implied that this is the norm and that all married couples have affairs.  I told him that some married couples have affairs but that many do not.

I asked him if he had any question for me.  He was curious about the first time I had sex, most specifically if it was with a woman.  I said I have never had sex with a woman!  He was MOST amazed at this!  He had heard that many guys seem to have sex with both men and women. I agree that some have sex with both men and women, but I am not amongst them. 

He is really genuine and delightful despite our differences.  And he was very interested in our discussion.  It was broken up into two times.  In the first one he was in a sleeveless t shirt.  But his little siblings had disrupted the computer connection.  Next he was in Arabic attire. 

Many and various Tahir Talks

I’d like to editorialize before I begin to address several conversations with Tahir.  It strike me that these conversations do have a personal meaning.  The meaning has to do with opening a closed mind.  Not Tahir’s mind.  Mine.  I have no control over Tahir’s mind and I see no general interest from him in terms of learning ANYTHING from me.  Regardless, he will hear my side of an argument whether he wants to hear it or not.  He is a personal connection and I appreciate his perspective.  I even like his commitment to his perceptions even if I completely disagree.  Winning here is not my agenda, though expressing an alternative view is required.  At one point I asked him if he had the kind of conversations we were having with his friends in Dubai.  No, because they are all Muslim.  They all agree already.  He has mentioned our conversations to others but clearly he has not mentioned how much we differ.  Tahir seems as committed to this dialogue as I but for different reasons. 

To step aside from divisiveness for a moment, some things about Tahir’s Islam are actually defensible and admirable.  One point he stresses is that Islam has a rule for just about everything, including how to sleep and how to sit on the toilet.  It is clear that perhaps 85% (my unscholarly guess) is rational and even helpful.  Or at least defensible.  It’s not lunacy.  So if you were in Islam, this may be a gratifying thing: a roadmap as it were.  The discipline of the practice is certainly a stabilizing environment.  The other thing that comes through is that the religion is steeped in a sort of reverence for living, for God’s creation, for his blessings. You are not so important.  He is all pervasive and I think in its way, the ego is kept in check.  And if you have been given a bad deal somehow, it is God’s punishment and you should be thankful for the corrective.  If you behave badly, you need to get back on track.  Ah, if life were only this simple.  I think for Tahir, it is.  Not that desire and temptation are not an issue for him and all human beings.  I myself think shit happens and the link to God’s punishment is rather slim.  See Answer to Job.  I need to bring this one up with Tahir. 

I have many associates who cannot stand to hear one word of this sort of thing.  Like, why bother talking to the source of jihad?  I guess my response is that we need exactly that – to talk to the source of jihad.  Yet the intolerance I hear and see on our side is rather discouraging to me.  We have a brick wall and we have no desire to know the other.  It reminds me of our way of wanting to bring democracy to those who don’t particularly care about it.  Democracy springs out of a good educational system and many of these countries are poor and poorly run.  They don’t have a tradition of education.  I wonder why my friends are so non-interested.  Or worse, think I’m a bit loony for engaging with Tahir at all… 

One disappointing exchange, or should I say enlightening exchange had to do with my ongoing discussion of gay rights. I sent Tahir an article about two men, married, who decided to adopt four foster care children. Like, needy foster children.   

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/06/06/steve-trevor-gay-family_n_5454020.html

They have clearly worked hard to create a happy healthy home for the kids.  Tahir of course only sees RED in that they are gay and that is WRONG WRONG WRONG.  They are unnatural, they are pursuing their desires, lust.  If they want families, so it the right way – marry a woman and have children.  The fact that these guys are doing God’s work (I wouldn’t be surprised if they go to church on Sundays) completely passes him by.  To him, they are pursuing their “desire” and by this he means sex.  No good deed goes unpunished?  I may have created a new meaning for that phrase.  I did feel rather shocked at his resistance, his refusal to give an inch, to even acknowledge that the sinners are doing something good.  He elaborates on sex in parks and the like, and I point out that this is going on in Islamabad.  He counters that this doesn’t make it right.  Because there may be Muslims who fall off the wagon doesn’t mean a thing and in this he is right.  It is as simple as his example where there are candies you may like, but that you shouldn’t eat because God tells you this.  By living within God’s plan you will see reward and the desire you once had will disappear.  This exchange saddened me, but hey, no one said this dialogue was meant to create happiness.  

I tried this one again, mentioning a male couple where one partner was dying and both were unhappy about the situation.  Tahir will acknowledge human concern (“we are all human) in the fact of death, but my point was to illustrate that the couple had more in common than lust.  He had no response to this angle. 

We have discussed many items.  The washing ritual before prayer 5 times a day.  Being moderate.  He did drink some in earlier times, but no longer.  He tells me there will canals of drink in heaven, but without preservatives.  If you live within the boundaries of Allah, “you will come to know his blessing.”  If you insist that you can ignore his doctrine, you will be punished.  But this is repeated endlessly in the Koran.  I wonder how it was that one time Islam, Judaism and Christianity lived in relative harmony.  He doesn’t deny the fact that journalists get killed in Pakistan more than other countries.  This is because of the militants that are out there, not because of Islam per se.

Pakistan is the land of milk and honey surrounded by China, Russia and India – all enemies in one way or other.  The Paki secret service out did the KGB at one point – something he is proud of.  Pakistan is blessed with many natural resources.

He has suggested I listen to Tariq Jameel.  I’ve looked into others that have been recommended.  One was a disaster.  A few have been Sufi style scholars and are rather inspiring.  Mr. Jameel (he has some formal title as a spiritual leader in Islam) is a warm presence and it seems to me sticks to the day to day issues facing regular folks.  It appears that only men go to these lectures so the environment is amusing, at least to me.  Mr. Jameel has a chastising sensibility and he is often right, at least within the context to the issue at hand which generally gentle.  Tahir likes him because "he loves his God".  He is "sweet, real, strong".  Mr. J "will hit your heart and your mind".  I totally agree.

Here is one amusing lecture:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x9BjO74wwZA  .

Or the story of Ya’fur the talking donkey at: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZvAcY1F1cc0  .

However, I doubt Mr. Jameel utters anything radical (or pro Marriage Equality.)  Nonetheless, he offers real value in a world that seems to need the basics.

So I enter the discussion of the militant Islam.  Tahir is very much against the militants.  But, I insist, is not the decadent USA inherently the enemy of Islam by our in your face freedoms?  Tahir tells me that we are an enemy against ourselves.  We will face the day of reckoning like everyone else.  There is no need for Islamists to attack us.  In his mind.

Tahir often tells me to keep “reciting” the Koran.  I decided to remind him that I am not reciting the Koran, but that I am READING it.  No, he insists, I am reciting it by reading it.  The use of the word recite is meant to show respect.  I give up on this one.  His English is good but again we are facing a cultural difference here too large to bridge or at least one I'm not willing to press.  I will continue to read and he will continue to think I recite.

Oh, sex and shaved public hairs?  By shaving, not only do you improve the appearance of that area, you increase blood flow to the genital area.  Hence, increased sexual vitality.  My buddy in Kuwait did not see the vitality angle, but agreed to shaving (men and women) due to cleanliness.  True enough, they live in a very hot area of the world and hair and sweat don’t mix.

If you are punished by God, it is a good thing.  He is putting you back on track.  Answer to Job?  Yet another question.

But today he did not hold back….. (another entry for another day.)

More and Various observations from my young Kuwaiti friend, Omar

Omar seems to have a softer version of Islam going for him.  The Koran was here to finish up the other two prophecies which had been contaminated by humans and therefore inaccurate.  It is the only book that has not changed since it was written and this is seen as a good thing.  However, Omar did say that Islam is not a religion that will change. 

He recalled a humorous video where two gay men tell the straight men that if they cannot marry each other, they will marry women.  The next scenes show happy male/female couples cooking, shopping, interior design and the like.  Similarly two woman tell straight women that since they cannot marry each other so they will now marry men.  The scene shifts to a male/female couple fixing the car, doing Xbox(?) and watching sports.   Omar got the joke and laughed and laughed. It is refreshing to talk with an Arab who is easy on the issue.

As for hell, etc.  Jews/Christians will follow their prophets into heaven, not go to hell as is the misconception.   This is news to me.  I don't see it in the Koran.

Omar agrees that the Koran is fear based to motivate good behavior like a law that threatens to punish.  The Koran was written “in this part of the world” and was addressing Jews and Arabs, who he sees as the same people.  Then he notes that  Middle Easterners are more… hypocritical (I'm not sure of the word here)?     

Omar wants something in life he feels passion about and this is Aikido.  His Zen Buddhist teacher (who liked him because he saw himself in this fine Kuwaiti lad) was cremated.  He is sorry that he was cremated and doesn’t know if the teacher is  in heaven or not.  Omar studied under him for about 5 years.

Yes, women in Kuwait may have a line of males following them, especially the good looking and perhaps not covered as much (which seems allowable if not somewhat risky).  One female told him of her good looking friend when a Rolls Royce stopped and a man got out.  She brushed him off, not knowing he was member of the Kuwaiti royal family. Only in Kuwait, right?

How did he compare Kuwait to the US.  In Kuwait – since Arabs don’t like to be stared at, he looks down.  He liked the US where people see each other and say hi.  Arabs in DC were very happy to meet a fellow Muslim.  He likes the mingling of the sexes in the US and notes gender segregation in Kuwait schools creates a misunderstanding of females by the males. 

As a non Muslim, you are not breaking the rules by being gay.  If I were a Muslim and told him I was gay, he would say I am a hypocrite because you can’t really be both by “law”.  But he wouldn’t not talk to the hypocrite.  Maybe perhaps just feel this person is not being honest to the religion.  (We didn’t talk about what a gay Muslim should do.)  He thinks gay Kuwaitis leave the country if they can.

Busy guy, classes, taking care of the house he and his father own, Aikido – gives him a full day most days.  Work week on average is 5 days.  I’m not sure how Kuwaiti’s treat non Kuwaitis.  He notes the nationals all want upper class jobs and positions and paychecks.  Lower jobs go to immigrants.  Omar sees the dependence on oil as a bad thing in this regard.

Tahir on the Islamic Greeting

I have been instructed by Tahir to use the Arabic Muslim greeting, assalam mu alikum and the response walikum asselem.  These are his spellings though I see other spellings out there.  They are considered prayers. 

The Tahir imitates the American greeting of “hi”.  He gives it a harsh spin and tells me animals say “hi”.  And to him it doesn’t mean anything.  To a certain extent his greeting is far more generous and loving, I do agree.  But I correct him with regards to “hi” having no meaning.  It means, "I acknowledge you and you are welcome to begin a conversation with me."  Tahir thought this was a kind way to define it even if it didn’t exactly give “hi” the dignity his greeting has.

 

I might add "hi" is kind of an abrupt shorthand.  His charge that Western Culture is not friendly is in a way included in this greeting.  It is not the leisurely welcome that Islam promotes.

Tahir on Culture, Koran, Sex and Sin

Tahir notes that Western Culture is a bit reserved and this connotes coldness.  Interestingly enough in Dubai he frequents a restaurant run by Afghans and Pakistanis.  I assume the customer base must be similar.  It is the custom in this type of restaurant that if you eat your food and want some more of that dish, they will give more… for free.  Just yesterday he helped a black African negotiate this request – they didn’t speak each other’s language.  This point to another word that seems close to his heart: humanity.  But this, he means basic human goodness.  Tahir says in his country – well, at least in his province in Pakistan -  if you arrive at his door at noon he MUST give you lunch.   

I digressed onto the topic of the day.  It seems to me that the Koran is unrelenting in its repetition regarding the hell and torment that disbelievers will suffer come Judgment Day.  I note to him that I would be happier with a religion such as Buddhism that stresses the oneness of life and the love and compassion that results.  Again, Tahir tells me that I focusing far too much on what is seen as a negative.  But he does say that the Punishment agenda is a legitimate poise.  It is like laws in the land forbidding crimes.  They act as a strong deterrent.  And I guess in this case, the crime of not believing in the Koran or the Prophet is a crime.  I didn’t raise my objection that in the case of the Koran, the punishment seems far more severe than the punishment of life in prison.  Maybe another day.  But here he did shift rather quickly into a new thought and it caught me by surprise.  He told me that I needed to go beyond thinking because beyond thinking was where Fate and God can be found.  I didn’t expect this one.  Certainly there is poetic if not literal truth to this.   

I also raised my shock and dismay (well, I sort of pretended that this was how I felt) in his suggestion that if he were to come for a visit to the US, that I introduce him to women for sex.  I noted that he was encouraging me to sin by promoting his sin.  He seems to think this is forgivable, but being gay is not.  Another point to pursue.  I informed him that I wouldn’t even know any women like this, and he thought this was a good thing as far as my scorecard is concerned.  Nonetheless, he felt undeterred with his agenda because he is very familiar with Craig’s List and seemed content knowing he could meet women that way. 

This issue of good sex bad sex comes up a lot and I have to confess that I like this topic if only because it is red hot in most cases.  Carnal desire is not particularly negotiable at least in terms of one’s internal feeling.  I had two friends over last week and told him (truthfully) that they were straight.  He was glad of this because then I wouldn’t be sinning.  

But then there was the discussion with my surgeon.  Two weeks after hip replacement (Tahir knows of this and wishes me to heal) there is a discussion regarding hip movement restrictions.  Also, can one now have sex?  Well, I was told that there was no restriction on sex from this moment on (clearly within the laws of common sense).  Well, Tahir was sad that my sex restrictions had been lifted.  I am flattered that he seems to care so much!

Tahir is devoted

Our Skype conversation was interupted two days ago.  I assumed technology and let it  go.  Tahir texted me to say that his home internet was indeed disrupted and will be fixed.  The next day, from a lively Dubai internet cafe, Tahir Skyped me.  Oddly, it was a better connection at the cafe.  But it was public and very busy/noisy.  He was just making sure I had received his text message. 

This morning I have a note telling me that the internet at home is fixed and he will be able to talk later.

Such devotion.  Tahir is essentially a sweet man.

I have to see again what he thinks should I not convert to Islam.  I know he has expressed frustration that I have heard the truth but thus far no conversion. 

Tahir Talks: The Beginning

There is so much to say about my interactions with Tahir.  First off, let me say that I truly respect him.  We don’t agree on anything and he seems intent on converting me despite the fact that I am a Zen Buddhist Gay Atheist.   

We had an odd beginning. I placed my ad, and he sent this response that was entirely sexual.  He has a nice penis photo, and his note suggested “open” sex.  But when I finally Skyped him, he totally changed his tune, and told me that his email was a mistake from an earlier time.  Then rather quickly, it became the ongoing discussion that we have now on Islam.  So what happened here?  Over time, it came out.  Tahir has had some gay sex in the past along with female extramarital sex.  His wife is currently in Pakistan with two young children and another on the way.  Tahir works outside of the country and this has been for many years.  Apparently, in the past year, Tahir put in the sex ad.  But he tells me despite several responses, mostly from males, he didn’t act on any of them.  While homosexuality is condemned in the Koran, and by Tahir, he has with great honestly told me that he does in fact have sexual attraction to males.  That being said, desire is not a sin.  Only acting on it.  Many would like to think he is closeted gay.  But I have a different impression.  He could have sex with a male (who are generally more available than females) and enjoy it, but this is best left alone.  He’s away from his wife and he is relatively young with a sex drive.  My take is that he needs some sex and from time to time, despite the desire to follow the Koran, he can’t help himself.  This is not in any way unusual. He is aware that in Dubai, where he currently resides, all options are ON THE TABLE.  Dubai is sin city.  I suggested to Tahir that this is therefore the perfect city for sinners and saints alike.  Sinners can play, and Saint can practice resisting temptation.  Like, does it get any better? 

When discussing his possible trip to the US, he put it out that perhaps there are some women (for sex) that I could introduce him to.  I let this one go, but will eventually ask how this jives with Islam.  My guess is that he will tell me he is only human and does the best he can.  However, with me he tells me that once I let Allah into my heart, my desires will melt away because now I will be in the Allah zone.  In mentioning this to my therapist, the therapist agreed that this could happen for some.  The desire to follow certain rules could override the personal desires of the individual. 

Like all of us, he balances the score card as best he can.  He seems to fondly remember a threesome he had with a male/female couple, but also thinks what he did was wrong.  But we are all human and Tahir would agree.  Nonetheless, the main focus is to do right by Allah, The Prophet, and The Koran. 

I have to admit that I like to revisit these errors to see if this stimulates further thoughts on the topic, or further revelations on his personal behavior/psychology. He seems ever willing to protest and then elaborate.

One topic that I have pressed on is that why be a Muslim when they seem these days so happy to kill each other.  The standard answer is that you can't judge the religion on the errors of a few who manipulate the Koran.  It took me quite a few conversations to get him to state that Muslims are now in a state of disarray.  It’s a problem.  His year in Saudi Arabia results in his opinion that “Those people will be punished.”  All of the Middle East has disdain for Saudi Arabia and Tahir is no exception.  To shift the conversation where any self critical statement could be made took a long time.  Mostly, from Tahir and of course many other Muslims, Islam is a way of life and that way is peaceful.  Oddly, this has become more and more clear to me as well.  It lays out many sensible (and a few intolerable) rules and does encourage peace.  It even has a peaceful record to point to.  In many ways when it was first introduced, it helped create order and decency. It was an improvement on Christianity because the rules were (for the most part) sensible and orderly.  They have a case to make. 

Where it gets dicey for me is when you find something in the Koran that is NOT helpful.  The essential endorsement of all things Koranic means that change is not on the table.  We follow; we don’t question: 

Tom:  Tahir, the Koran tells us that homosexuality is wrong, but it never tells us WHY it is wrong.  Why is homosexuality wrong? 

Tahir:  You don’t ask WHY. 

The other problem for me is one that faces most religions, certainly Christianity.  It goes like this:  once you have words in print, anyone can interpret those words to  justify many violent and horrible actions.  It seems to me that Buddhism does not have such statements, but the Bible and The Koran are stuffed with them.  Take "jihad".  Clearly to some, this is war on infidels.  But to others, it is war on your own sinful desires.

I have complained to Tahir that much of the Koran is harsh (to say the least).  He tells me that it sounds harsh to make a point.  But my point is that by making harsh statements, those words are now out in the minds of others to with as they like.  Some of them like to take Allah's place and implement those words.  My western liberal mind has difficulty accepting that this is indeed God's word....

***

One of the very first things Tahir wanted me to know is that the West’s characterization of Muslims as terrorist was false (and unfair by implication).  I told him that I didn’t think all Muslims are terrorists.  But I did point out to him that because my ad notes that I am gay, he assumed that I was looking for sex.  Not all gay men are on the prowl for sex as he might assume.  I have to note that here we have something that repeats itself: Tahir hears what I am saying, but he doesn’t really acknowledge that fact.  So often it feels as if I have not been heard.  But this is not the case.  He does hear.  We mostly don’t agree, but he does listen and take in my  point. 
  

There have been some roadblocks.  Many times Tahir flat out disagrees.  One time he told me that I needed a mental institution.  Another time he tells me, why do I keep coming back to this topic (homosexuality)?  He wants to put that on the side for the time being and get to what I really need to know about Islam, sort of the meat and potatoes of Islam.  This “gay” thing will either just go away OR it is my own personal business with Allah on the Day of Judgment.  Lastly, he has heard my statement that this is who I am, not some choice.  This one gets half way acknowledged.  Part of the solution here is that my impending love of Allah will dissolve this “who I am”.  It is the bad part of me and once I get into the program of who I really am, this will no longer present itself.  I could buy that to some extent, except that it hasn’t worked for Tahir who if pressed will tell me he is attracted to males (if not acting on it).

A 25 year old Kuwaiti, Omar, defies expectations

I had a conversation with a delightful 25 year old heterosexual Kuwaiti, who is in school for computer science, unmarried, practices Aikido. Omar is handsome easy going. - he tells me it is better that I am NOT a Muslim and gay. It is sort of OK for a non-Muslim to be gay because then they are not breaking the Islamic rules by default. I'm not sure what HE would think of a gay Muslim but he says they mostly get out of Kuwait. The rest are in the closet but they are there just like gays are here. He was rather not concerned that I was gay, not in the least.  His wonderful beard was not an Islamic statement, rather, he thought it looked good (and he was right - a wonderful beard on his handsome face). 
 

Omar's best story is that he was born in the US as a pre-mature baby, delivered by Jewish Doctors (like, with the star of David on their coats.) So he is a Muslim born of Jews in the US. He is not anti-Jewish, but does have problems with Israel. Hey, don't we all? Last year his mother died of cancer in the US and he was with her, also to undergo surgery on his feet (this was in Washington DC). 

At 25, he has never had intercourse because he wants to have that with the girl he marries. Actually, his thought here was more complex. He sees other guys have sex before marriage and then compare the new wife with previous partners. If the wife doesn't meet the standard set by some other woman, that guy is inclined to cheat on his wife. He thinks this is not nice. So he doesn't want to compare his wife to others which I think is sort of a sweet way to think about the issue. When I was asking him some pointed questions, he cheerfully asked with mock suspicion if I was coming on to him. 

Over all, he was very well informed and intelligent. I am struck with awe on the complexity of life of those in the Middle East. We spoke for an hour. I wonder what he thought about during the Iraq-Kuwait war when he was a kid... and I hope he will talk with me again.

This was my morning chat... how odd, how delightful.

Tahir on Evolution

Tahir has told me Darwin is bullshit and that the world was created in 7 days. I will come to know this once I let Allah into my life.

Yep. This was a thrilling experience because I've never personally met anyone who actually believes this. I only read about them.

I like this because 7 is such an easy number to remember and the real story of Evolution is full of confusing huge numbers and dates that are hard to remember. 

But you know, I think this really just says that if you believe in the all powerful God who created this world, anything is possible. Including the impossible. That is my kind bleeding heart liberal acceptance of Tahir's assessment. They don't have to think beyond this though they do have the nearly impossible task of living the life ordained by Islam. Evolution AND Islam may be pushing the envelope. Makes sense to take Evolution off the to do list.

I may not believe in God, but I am struck with wonder beyond comprehension when I talk to Tahir.

Does it get any more fun?

Context for Skype in the Middle East

I always find the context of EVERYTHING to be very important, just as important if not more than the facts themselves.  So here is my take on the whys and wherefores.

The Middle East seems to be its own world, and yet we are all human beings.  The Koran is a rather immobile document that is subject to interpretations and lately those interpretations have been rather foul amongst a certain small portion of the population.  Further, we in the West often look upon Islamic culture as regressive and oppressive, and often it is.

And yet....

And yet there is the other side.  There is the community connection, the need to do good (the Koran makes this very important) and the general hospitable feeling in the Middle East.  As one westerner put it, they are really very sweet.  And yet many of wring our hands and point to the failings or the regressive side.

I have always felt that we always need to be in touch with the other.  Here it is particularly difficult in that the other is sometimes dogmatic and unrelenting.  What to do?  Judge? Condemn?  Leave the negotiating table?  Scream?  Of course, we can be dogmatic and unrelenting.  Example: Creationism vs. Evolution.  I think I know who is right.  But so do they.

Another curiosity is the hidden or not so hidden gay life of the Middle East.  By talking to men in the Middle East and looking at various attitudes, in contrast to the strong condemnation by the Koran, how do they resolve such things?  It would appear that the separation of men and women in way encourages homosexual activity (though not necessarily a gay identity as we in the West are coming to embrace).  So what are the attitudes?  Often, it's not what you think.

My closest contact thus far has proclaimed that I need a mental institution.  I was as amused as I was shocked.  Yet the next day he was there ever ready to continue the conversation.  I almost feel bad that I have not converted to Islam as he insists is just a matter of time.  It would be nice to please him.  But frankly, I doubt an atheist can be a Muslim. I don't judge believers, nor do I want them to be on my ideological team in regards to God.  Once I condemned all religion.  But now I have a kinder view. It does give many people order and moral guidelines.  I'm not seeing too many other places that do this.  And yet the irrationality of most religion is disconcerting.  It opens doors to man's inhumanity to man.  And what is God anyway?  I mean to this person right in front of you who believes in God.

To me, this means one thing:  We have to talk to each other and yet not convince the other we are right.  I have studied listening skills in great detail. Listening is hard work.  Now try listening to someone who believes God made the world in 7 days when you do not believe in God and you are convinced of evolution.  What then?  Unless the person is emotionally unstable, we have no real choice but to connect as respectful listening partners, at least in my opinion.  I don't mean that you have to best friends, but that you have to be present to the totality of their humanity in the moment of conversation.

So this is my project: Listen, ask questions (all questions) and see how honest we can be with each other while accepting what may be irreconcilable differences.  After all, a meal served by a devout Muslim is still a meal served.

This is a personal exploration.  Not a scholarly exploration. Nor a pyschological analysis beyond my own personal "take" on what goes on between us.

Join me....

Tom Daly

Skyping in the Middle East

Skype-an-Arab.

I have begun to Skype guys in the Middle East.  Here is the ad thus far I've put in Craig's List for various cities in the Middle East:

"I would like to be talking to Middle Eastern guys via SKYPE. I live in Brooklyn, NY. This is just because I am interested in Arabs and would like to hear from you. This is no joke, just a social contact. If interested, please drop me a note. Yes, I am gay, but this is not for sex, just friendship. I am interested in talking about all aspects of life -- anything you like. You must be interested in an ongoing conversation."

Let me say that by putting in "gay" poses a problem and a solution.  The solution has to do with I  plan to discuss EVERYTHING and they might as well know that homosexuality in the Middle East will be a topic.  That being said, many will see that word - and ONLY that word - and proceed to assume that this is a sex ad.  While I'm not against the human tendency for playfulness, this only goes so far and they mostly go away.  Some never even reach out to me past the first email.

By opening up the conversational door to EVERYTHING, I find that those who will talk are disarmingly open and speak freely.  This I find refreshing.  This may in fact be a self selecting group who are interested or brave enough to contact an American gay man.

As I  begin this blog, I am in the middle of one very intense ongoing discussion with a Pakistani who works in Dubai.  Because very personal things are stated, I will not use the actual names.  Tahir is a devote Muslim and has seen our connection as an opportunity for him to convert me to Islam.  While I am not against Islam, it must be stated that I am an atheist, and at best a Zen Buddhist (though not practicing at this point in time.)  He  knows I am gay. I will later elaborate our interactions.  Tahir has me reading the Koran which  I find as interesting as I do problematic.

My approach here is not scholarly, the conversations are open.  I can easily take the lead because I do have many questions. 

I need some tips on how to get into Iran.  Iran is not on Craig's List.