Tahir Talks: The Beginning

There is so much to say about my interactions with Tahir.  First off, let me say that I truly respect him.  We don’t agree on anything and he seems intent on converting me despite the fact that I am a Zen Buddhist Gay Atheist.   

We had an odd beginning. I placed my ad, and he sent this response that was entirely sexual.  He has a nice penis photo, and his note suggested “open” sex.  But when I finally Skyped him, he totally changed his tune, and told me that his email was a mistake from an earlier time.  Then rather quickly, it became the ongoing discussion that we have now on Islam.  So what happened here?  Over time, it came out.  Tahir has had some gay sex in the past along with female extramarital sex.  His wife is currently in Pakistan with two young children and another on the way.  Tahir works outside of the country and this has been for many years.  Apparently, in the past year, Tahir put in the sex ad.  But he tells me despite several responses, mostly from males, he didn’t act on any of them.  While homosexuality is condemned in the Koran, and by Tahir, he has with great honestly told me that he does in fact have sexual attraction to males.  That being said, desire is not a sin.  Only acting on it.  Many would like to think he is closeted gay.  But I have a different impression.  He could have sex with a male (who are generally more available than females) and enjoy it, but this is best left alone.  He’s away from his wife and he is relatively young with a sex drive.  My take is that he needs some sex and from time to time, despite the desire to follow the Koran, he can’t help himself.  This is not in any way unusual. He is aware that in Dubai, where he currently resides, all options are ON THE TABLE.  Dubai is sin city.  I suggested to Tahir that this is therefore the perfect city for sinners and saints alike.  Sinners can play, and Saint can practice resisting temptation.  Like, does it get any better? 

When discussing his possible trip to the US, he put it out that perhaps there are some women (for sex) that I could introduce him to.  I let this one go, but will eventually ask how this jives with Islam.  My guess is that he will tell me he is only human and does the best he can.  However, with me he tells me that once I let Allah into my heart, my desires will melt away because now I will be in the Allah zone.  In mentioning this to my therapist, the therapist agreed that this could happen for some.  The desire to follow certain rules could override the personal desires of the individual. 

Like all of us, he balances the score card as best he can.  He seems to fondly remember a threesome he had with a male/female couple, but also thinks what he did was wrong.  But we are all human and Tahir would agree.  Nonetheless, the main focus is to do right by Allah, The Prophet, and The Koran. 

I have to admit that I like to revisit these errors to see if this stimulates further thoughts on the topic, or further revelations on his personal behavior/psychology. He seems ever willing to protest and then elaborate.

One topic that I have pressed on is that why be a Muslim when they seem these days so happy to kill each other.  The standard answer is that you can't judge the religion on the errors of a few who manipulate the Koran.  It took me quite a few conversations to get him to state that Muslims are now in a state of disarray.  It’s a problem.  His year in Saudi Arabia results in his opinion that “Those people will be punished.”  All of the Middle East has disdain for Saudi Arabia and Tahir is no exception.  To shift the conversation where any self critical statement could be made took a long time.  Mostly, from Tahir and of course many other Muslims, Islam is a way of life and that way is peaceful.  Oddly, this has become more and more clear to me as well.  It lays out many sensible (and a few intolerable) rules and does encourage peace.  It even has a peaceful record to point to.  In many ways when it was first introduced, it helped create order and decency. It was an improvement on Christianity because the rules were (for the most part) sensible and orderly.  They have a case to make. 

Where it gets dicey for me is when you find something in the Koran that is NOT helpful.  The essential endorsement of all things Koranic means that change is not on the table.  We follow; we don’t question: 

Tom:  Tahir, the Koran tells us that homosexuality is wrong, but it never tells us WHY it is wrong.  Why is homosexuality wrong? 

Tahir:  You don’t ask WHY. 

The other problem for me is one that faces most religions, certainly Christianity.  It goes like this:  once you have words in print, anyone can interpret those words to  justify many violent and horrible actions.  It seems to me that Buddhism does not have such statements, but the Bible and The Koran are stuffed with them.  Take "jihad".  Clearly to some, this is war on infidels.  But to others, it is war on your own sinful desires.

I have complained to Tahir that much of the Koran is harsh (to say the least).  He tells me that it sounds harsh to make a point.  But my point is that by making harsh statements, those words are now out in the minds of others to with as they like.  Some of them like to take Allah's place and implement those words.  My western liberal mind has difficulty accepting that this is indeed God's word....

***

One of the very first things Tahir wanted me to know is that the West’s characterization of Muslims as terrorist was false (and unfair by implication).  I told him that I didn’t think all Muslims are terrorists.  But I did point out to him that because my ad notes that I am gay, he assumed that I was looking for sex.  Not all gay men are on the prowl for sex as he might assume.  I have to note that here we have something that repeats itself: Tahir hears what I am saying, but he doesn’t really acknowledge that fact.  So often it feels as if I have not been heard.  But this is not the case.  He does hear.  We mostly don’t agree, but he does listen and take in my  point. 
  

There have been some roadblocks.  Many times Tahir flat out disagrees.  One time he told me that I needed a mental institution.  Another time he tells me, why do I keep coming back to this topic (homosexuality)?  He wants to put that on the side for the time being and get to what I really need to know about Islam, sort of the meat and potatoes of Islam.  This “gay” thing will either just go away OR it is my own personal business with Allah on the Day of Judgment.  Lastly, he has heard my statement that this is who I am, not some choice.  This one gets half way acknowledged.  Part of the solution here is that my impending love of Allah will dissolve this “who I am”.  It is the bad part of me and once I get into the program of who I really am, this will no longer present itself.  I could buy that to some extent, except that it hasn’t worked for Tahir who if pressed will tell me he is attracted to males (if not acting on it).